She says, and I won’t mention her by name, even though she didn’t ask for this to be kept anonymous, but I sort of felt given the nature of it, we should. “This may be a bit unorthodox to be asking for advice since I, myself, am a prominent dating coach for men specializing in seduction and attraction. However, we all know that sometimes things are too close to home and we need an unbiased opinion. Me and this guy have been seeing each other steadily about once to twice a week for about three and a half months. But this guy is different than your average bear. First off, he’s a celebrity in his own right. In a certain sector of Hollywood, not going into detail, but he is a big, big deal. He values talented women and drive. He loves to hear all about my growing business. Things have been going very well between us, but I could tell there’s something there, a blockade of sorts. And I was right. About a month ago, he confided in me all of this intense trauma he went through during the pandemic and with his last relationship. Big deal stuff.

Huge. Because this guy is a big deal in his world. So his problems aren’t just your typical. We had a big conversation. Tears were shed. And all in all it was a beautiful morning of us being completely vulnerable with each other. This is when I really started to fall for him. Two weeks ago I asked him, ‘What are you looking for in dating?’ I clarified by saying, ‘Not that I feel any decisions need to be made now, but I will say that I’m getting in too deep for this to be a casual fling.’ And I asked if dating could be a possibility in the future. He said, ‘Yes.’ We had another conversation about it last week. I wanted to know if he was seeing other girls, since I myself ended things with another guy. And I genuinely don’t feel like going on other dates. He clarified.

‘If you are asking if I’m seeing anyone else consistently, then no, I’m not.’ Which I don’t know what that means exactly. The conversation basically led to him revealing that he’s been putting off the ‘what are we?’ conversation because of all the trauma and PTSD surrounding his ex and the responsibility of being a boyfriend. He says he knows it’s unfair to me since I’m nothing like her and that he promised he will start bringing up dating again in therapy. I don’t want to give up on this guy, but how long do I wait? What to do during this limbo time? It’s not like it’s been months and months and he’s still not committing. But it’s also feeling like this is a barrier we either need to cross together or the place I leave him behind.” I’m going to refer to this person as Lisa. And I want to say firstly, to Lisa, that I really like that last sentence.

That sense that is this something that I should keep going with or the place I leave him behind. So I want to make three points about this. Number one, the Non-sequitur of “Celebrity”. You’ll notice that throughout this email, she keeps referring to what a big deal this person is to what celebrity this person is. As if that’s relevant information, when it comes to the core of this email. The core of the email being, my needs aren’t getting met. What’s really happening is she wants the safety and the security of knowing that this person actually wants to be with her for a real relationship, which is one of her core needs. And she’s not getting that met. But instead of saying, “Hey, I’ve got this guy and he’s not committing. And I want to know what to do three and a half months in because he doesn’t actually appear to be willing to have the conversation about what we are.”

She’s saying, “I’ve got this guy. And before I say anything else, let me preface this with how big of a deal this guy is.” And it’s almost like she’s trying to sell me first on how big of a deal this guy is so that I give him leeway too. Most people aren’t dating a celebrity, but you could be dating someone successful. Someone extremely physically attractive. Someone who has achieved a lot. Someone who is renowned in their particular world. Someone who has status. When we’re dating someone and we keep referencing that part of them, it starts to become revealing of how much we value that part of them. And why do we value that part of them so much? Because we think that it does something for our worth. If we think that our stock is rising by being with someone like that, then we see that quality as really important and we don’t want to lose it. We start to see that person as rare. “Will I ever get someone like this again? I might not.” And you can feel her fear in losing him, even in the conversation that she has with him.

That’s supposed to be a conversation about boundaries, where she says, “Hey, I don’t want to do the casual thing anymore. I asked him, what are you looking for in dating? I clarified by saying, not that I feel any decisions need to be made now.” Well now you’ve just removed all of the stakes from the conversation. “I’m not going anywhere even if you tell me you’re not looking for anything in dating, no decisions need to be made now.” What decision are we talking about? We’re not talking about marriage. We’re talking about perhaps you don’t sleep with anyone else right now and I don’t sleep with anyone else right now and we see where this goes. It’s not the biggest decision in the world. Can we just also talk about the fact that when asked if he was seeing anybody else, he says, “If you are asking me if I’m seeing anyone else consistently.” I didn’t say consistently.

I just said, are you seeing anyone else? You added consistently. Now the second point I want to make, I am calling the Goldilocks Pain Paradox. Yes, it’s a mouthful, Jameson. Why do I call it the Goldilocks Pain Paradox? This guy is citing pain as the reason why he can’t give her what she wants. And well, she says he’s not your average bear. Didn’t she in the email? And I was thinking of Goldilocks and the three bears. In this particular fairy tale, he would actually be Goldilocks. I like to think of this guy having these three different porridges, the too cold, too hot, and just right. The too cold porridge is him saying, not having sex with you, not getting the girlfriend experience from you, not being able to see you whenever I want for the intimacy that I crave, too cold. Giving you a relationship and actually investing in you and not being with anyone else, too hot. Having sex with you and seeing you when I want to see you, but not having a relationship with you.

In other words, meeting all of the needs I want to meet but not meeting the core needs that you want to meet, just right. That is the Goldilocks Pain Paradox. I love the idea that someone has just the right amount of pain that allows them to meet all of their needs but none of the big ones you have. “I don’t have enough pain that we shouldn’t be having sex, but I do have a bit too much pain for us to have a relationship.” That’s when you have to start to suspect what someone is telling you. Now, this idea of pain brings me on to point number three, you can either focus on Their Reasons or Your Reality. I don’t know this man, but it’s entirely possible that there is real PTSD from things that he’s been through in the last couple of years, that make it impossible for him to have a relationship right now where he’s truly committed and invested.

It’s also possible that this is a very elaborate excuse for not committing on the level that she wants so that he can continue to sleep with other people. The point is we don’t know, and it’s not our job to find out. It’s our job to measure our own reality and say, “Is this reality making me happy?” And then to have a conversation with this person where we say, “Look, I know that if I liked someone that much, I would want to give it a try even if there were things in my past that made it difficult. I don’t need it to be, we’re getting married. I don’t need it to be, we know we’re going to be together because we don’t know each other well enough yet. All I know is that I’m willing to actually give it a try with you and to not be with other people right now, while we see where this goes.

Leave a Reply

Concerns or questions?

See our support area where you can find questions asked by our clients and answered by the SeventhQueen team. Lorem ipsum lorem ipsum


By subscribing to our mailing list you will always be update with the latest news from us.



Go up